Channeling of Thoughts from a Frustrated Writer and a Certified Complainer

Saturday, August 11, 2007


There are times that we think we are misunderstood and feel lonely. And as we drown in the misery of loneliness, as if struck by lightning, hands suddenly appear trying to reach your lifeless form and pull you up. That was the feeling I had months ago when I felt so lonely and miserable. I had nowhere to go, everything was a dead end. But as I start to get lost in the never ending dead ends, people start to appear and gave me a helping hand. They became my constant companions and now I consider them my partners in crime. We do things together and we are almost inseparable. We even have a name for our group! DC! We invent and do new things that some people might think as weird but the hell they care.

Saturday, June 09, 2007


It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.

-Mark Twain

I was in a state of nostalgia upon viewing the album of one of my friends in multiply. It seems that it was just like yesterday that I was with them having fun, cracking jokes, telling secrets and all the things that a typical barkada does when they get together. Well, it has been two years since my barkada and I fought and split up but until now I am still hoping that one of these days we’ll be together again and start again the good old days. Quite impossible as I see it right now, all the hopes that I had before are running out and I don’t know what the future has to offer when all my hopes are gone.

They say we were the intelligent barkada in school. If there was something we were proud of, then it was our brains. Hehe. Almost all of us were honor students and they said that we could fix anything that would come our way. I guess not, because not all problems could be solved through textbooks. For starters, we never had a major argument. Not that I could think of. I guess that was our major blunder, we never had healthy fights and when the real clash happened no one seemed to be in command. Well there were those who stood up to fix the problem but naïveté as they were, they were never close to repair the damage one conferred to the other. There were a lot of individual clashes that resulted to the division of the group and the severity of the situation is like cancer spreading in the body. The hurt was precise, all had something to say and all prides up.

My last hope I give it to time. I may not forever believe that the good old days are close to happening but I guess that my last hope would perpetually dwell in me.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

random complaints

And we are here as on a darkling plain, swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night.
-Matthew Arnold

Sometimes we have to be pushed really hard before we realize that we are in the brink of failing. Never did it occur to me that I have to try harder in order to improve my grades. Well, I knew from the start that I was not giving my best and the results are low grades. Summer classes are midway done. I’m right now halfway done with my course and so far I haven’t proven anything. There is no one to blame but me. I must take things seriously from now on and there is no turning back. I have to prove that I am better than what other people think of me.

I want everything to be placed the way they were before. I’m in the middle of a major predicament! It’s inevitable and I just can’t ignore it. I’m tired…torn…frustrated…and worse devastated. I’m very aware of the consequences once I made the decision. I don’t want to make that decision unless I’m sure. Besides, making the decision would mean that I must choose. I’m tired of making choices but I have learned in economics that life is full of never ending choices. You may be indifferent for a time but you have to choose one way or another. It’s a choice between career and passion. Both, I admit, weighs the same and a departure of one would mean a temporary or life-time devastation or regret. But what ought I to do? The more I prolong my decision, the more the situation tears me apart. Who would help? Who will help me now? I guess, no one can help me but myself. This is one of those circumstances that one doesn’t need help. A major step, a leap at that, that only I can do the move. I hope I will do the right thing. I miss my old self. I miss being full of energy…determination…love…peace. I want to be normal again.

Who would be that person that would make my heart leap? Alas, for the second time in my life I have come to this situation again where I would think who may be that girl that would make my heart beat faster and melt me at the sight of her. Mushy as one may think but it is something that one cannot ignore. While I’m writing this, I would from time to time laugh at myself why the heck, am writing this along with my crappy complaints. But it’s one of my complaints in life after all. I usually get jealous of people who believe that they found the one. I just hope that one of these days I would be enlightened and find the right one. . Not that I’m rushing things but my anxiety is getting over me and it might engulf me in the end.

Sunday, April 15, 2007


Today is not just my lucky day. Well, I thought it was. After all, the people’s champ, Manny Pacquiao, won over Solis in their boxing bout this afternoon. Anyway, I’m not going to talk about the fight since I was busy surfing the net when my whole family was watching the match. Moving on, late night yesterday I e-mailed my professor in my BA 180.1 class demanding for my grade. I impatiently waited for her reply checking my e-mail the whole afternoon today. But I found no reply and got angry for the reply’s delay. I checked again before writing this and to my delight she replied after all. I got nervous because I assumed she sent my grade through e-mail. Unfortunately, she did not. She told me that she was the one angry at me because I did not follow directions in our final exam. Shit, the reason I wasn’t receiving my grade was because of my foolishness. I was aware that there were instructions written on the board and I read them like my other classmates. I got confused with the instructions and did it wrong. I replied again and told her that I was sorry. I really feel guilty right now about getting angry at her. I hope it doesn’t affect my grade and she will reconsider my stupidity. If you think that my unlucky day is over, think again. (HAHA). The reason I was able to write again is because I’m waiting for one of my housemates to come. I forgot my key of the house in Pampanga and there is no way that I can enter the house. I was lucky enough to find out that my housemate Marco is coming and he has a key of the house. Well at least I don’t have to worry about finding a place to sleep tonight.

That’s it for now!


Sunday, March 11, 2007

Formal Interview

Formal Interviews (FI) in my current organization (UP Aguman) is an event to fear for the applicants. That is because the organization has a reputation of terrorizing its applicants about its constitution, and other stuffs. Never had it occurred to me before that I would be experiencing another formal interview that is more dreadful than what I experienced in Aguman.

Last Thursday, I was due for my formal interview in UP OBEM (Organization of Business Economics Majors). Honestly, I was not 100 percent ready for the interview. There were some facts that I was not yet aware of and events that I was not familiar with, nevertheless I was more or less ready for everything that may happen to me. During my walk from CSSP to Vinson’s Hall, I was thinking if only I made more effort in the application process then I would not felt that way. I felt very nervous because I wouldn’t want to fail. Before even entering the room, I was already terrorized but it didn’t hinder me to continue the interview but I was damn very nervous. Since I cannot tell everything that has happened to me in the room, all I can say is that something embarrassing happened to me that the members have to postpone the interview. I had my interview the next day.

Right now, all of us are recovering from the emotional trauma that the interview has caused us though my trauma was at a different level.

That’s it for now…


Sunday, February 18, 2007


I am in grave danger. Nothing seems to be going right. Never has it occurred to me that I am in the verge of breaking down. Now, I find myself hanging at the edge of the cliff trying to stay alive. I’m strongly fighting gravity as it pulls me down to my end. An end I know that I do not deserve. My head is about to burst and I can’t stop it. I must fight this feeling of emptiness, this failure, this pain. But how could I fight the darkness that is engulfing me? The light that remains to be my only hope is dwindling every second and as it dwindles, more pain is what I feel. My hands are slowly giving in to the force of the earth. What should I do now? No one is around to help me. My heart is crying out for help but no one seems to hear my weeping. Tears are flooding my eyes, blinding me. Blood is searing from my painful hands destroying my delicate skin. I can’t take it anymore. I slowly make my release and let myself fall to the darkness that is waiting for me. It is the entrance to a realm that I am not aware of before. In an instant, after all the resistance, I find myself in the realm full of sorrow. Now I know what is behind that darkness. But now what may be at the end of this realm? Is it darkness again or light?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Application Process

My schedule has been hectic the past month since I am applying for a new organization in school. A friend of mine told me that it was about time to apply for an org that would greatly help me in the future. Not that my present org is helpful for my future but it is not related to my course. I am currently applying in UP OBEM, an org for Business Economics majors but also accept Economics majors. Actually, I already tried last semester but I quit since I have no time and I was busy with my other org. Nonetheless, I and my co-apps are doing very fine for our next event, Challenge Night. It was almost two years since my last challenge night and I’m quite nervous since the format of OBEM’s challenge is different with that of Aguman’s. The achievements that we had the past week were very overwhelming. We already have enough money to get through the event with extra to spare. Honestly, my contributions for our batch are no match to the contributions of my co-apps. To think that I am the assistant batch head but it seems that I am just a regular applicant. All I do is make excuses for the misfortunes that I encounter during the app process. I myself doubt my sincerity in entering the org but I know that I really would like to be accepted as a member. I know that my time to prove myself is very little but I know that I can do it.

That’s it for now!!!

Ciao! A piutardi!