random complaints

And we are here as on a darkling plain, swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night.

-Matthew Arnold

Sometimes we have to be pushed really hard before we realize that we are in the brink of failing. Never did it occur to me that I have to try harder in order to improve my grades. Well, I knew from the start that I was not giving my best and the results are low grades. Summer classes are midway done. I’m right now halfway done with my course and so far I haven’t proven anything. There is no one to blame but me. I must take things seriously from now on and there is no turning back. I have to prove that I am better than what other people think of me.

I want everything to be placed the way they were before. I’m in the middle of a major predicament! It’s inevitable and I just can’t ignore it. I’m tired…torn…frustrated…and worse devastated. I’m very aware of the consequences once I made the decision. I don’t want to make that decision unless I’m sure. Besides, making the decision would mean that I must choose. I’m tired of making choices but I have learned in economics that life is full of never ending choices. You may be indifferent for a time but you have to choose one way or another. It’s a choice between career and passion. Both, I admit, weighs the same and a departure of one would mean a temporary or life-time devastation or regret. But what ought I to do? The more I prolong my decision, the more the situation tears me apart. Who would help? Who will help me now? I guess, no one can help me but myself. This is one of those circumstances that one doesn’t need help. A major step, a leap at that, that only I can do the move. I hope I will do the right thing. I miss my old self. I miss being full of energy…determination…love…peace. I want to be normal again.

Who would be that person that would make my heart leap? Alas, for the second time in my life I have come to this situation again where I would think who may be that girl that would make my heart beat faster and melt me at the sight of her. Mushy as one may think but it is something that one cannot ignore. While I’m writing this, I would from time to time laugh at myself why the heck, am writing this along with my crappy complaints. But it’s one of my complaints in life after all. I usually get jealous of people who believe that they found the one. I just hope that one of these days I would be enlightened and find the right one. . Not that I’m rushing things but my anxiety is getting over me and it might engulf me in the end.